He's still enough.

Has anyone ever felt like maybe God doesn’t really give you anything “really hard” to deal with because He doesn’t think you are strong enough to handle it? I do.

I may have had a little change of heart tonight. No.  No one close to me has passed away or is ill. Nothing is lost or stolen. It’s just been one of those weeks, I guess. The almost empty glass of wine on my night stand to the left of me is testament to my need to sit and write. My journal has fresh ink in it, so here goes….

Some days I just need my Momma. Tonight I had a bit of a meltdown/tear fest of sorts.  I am guessing that after a few emotional highs and lows over these last weeks finally came to a head. I wrote a little in my journal tonight which usually means that I’m overwhelmed and need to put all my thoughts and stresses on paper…it always seems to works for me.

 Mary and I

 

This past weekend we had an old college friend of mine stay with us as a kind of get away for her. It was joy filled and somehow exhausting at the same time. Did I mention I held a garage sale at my house for 3 days last weekend? Thank- you Mary, for entertaining the boys for me Friday afternoon. Thank-you Jaci, for taking the boys to the park Thursday, and to their PB&J party on Friday morning. I really appreciate it. I guess I’m emotionally tired from selling lots of the baby clothes.  No, I’m not second guessing whether or not we are done having babies. We are done. I’m elated to have some cash after not getting a paycheck from school the last couple of months, but it's bitter sweet to see all of the baby stuff go. It seems so final, you know?  Now it’s the end of the summer and I’m feeling so many things. I’m anxious for the school year to start. I have a student teacher with me this year. That should be interesting. I’m really anxious for Caleb to be in “school” full time at a new place with lots more kids. I’m excited for him to meet new friends but I’m nervous that the rest of the kids won’t be nice to him. What if they’re mean? I’m afraid he won’t have fun or that the teachers will become as annoyed with him as I do (sadly) when he takes an eternity to finish his food. What if he doesn’t eat or gets scared or gets so distracted that he forgets to go potty and then has an accident and gets embarrassed and then has a hard time making new friends…? Uuug. The list of “what ifs” goes on but I’ll stop. Then Josh is starting day-care at a new home with a sweet friend from church that we trust of course. But what if he gets too scared of her dogs, what if he doesn’t sleep for her or cries when I leave? All these changes I feel like crying a little..? I just need my Mom. I want to ask her for help. I want to know that she is always there for me when I need her.  She is of course. She’s the best. She is in Green Bay. Sometimes that two hour distance is enough for me to realize that God does, in fact, give me hard stuff to deal with. I live far from my whole family.  That’s hard stuff, right? Maybe it’s not the “hard stuff” that some might consider, but it’s hard for me sometimes.

Caleb being a good shopper while momma looked for a new top for school.



Josh having a blast on our break from all that shopping ;)

 

I know that God has given me strength enough to deal with the distance.  I know that He has placed me here for so many reasons.  I know that some of you have family many, many, many more miles away.  The distance for me is just enough to know that He has made me strong enough to deal with the times we need to fork over $30 or more sometimes, for a sitter so that the hubs and I can have a date night.  The courage enough to ask for help from friends I’ve known for only a few years.  He’s given me confidence enough to trust that He will ALWAYS provide for me.  It’s the sweet e-mail, FB message or card in the mail.  It’s the opportunity to help others when I have the time.  I sometimes have the time to help others!  That’s a blessing.

 Jaci with treats so I could make money for said new top;)

 

Maybe I’m far away from family because He knows I can handle it. The problem sometimes comes when I think I can do it all by myself.  We all do that sometimes; don’t we?  I get mad at myself for not being able to juggle it all. I want to have a 3 day rummage sale, two weeks in a row and entertain and care for my boys the way they need me to at the same time. I don’t want to need help. Then God shows up in a sweet friend who walks in with a sweet treat and says, “Breath.” It’s in that friend that I know He’s here. He trusts me with what He has given me. He loves me even when I forget to love Him back.  He tells me to take a deep breath and relax when I start to take on too much.  Bite off more than I can chew. However the saying goes I still need my Momma sometimes. I still get overwhelmed and exhausted. I still forget that there are only 24 hours in a day. I still don’t do well with change.  I’m still learning what it means to slow down. I still worry about my kids. I still wonder if I’m good enough. Oh but I surely know, I will always be loved by God and He will always give me enough. I can rest and be still, knowing that He is in control even when I think I got it. He will always show up at just the right time and remind me to breath. Thank-you Lord, for believing in this weary momma.  Thanks for never ever giving up on me. Thanks for reminding me of the so called “hard stuff.”

Thank you Lord for my supportive husband, my giving parents, my selfless friends and for quiet summer nights to reflect and regroup.

 Thanks for listening.